Sunday 26 July 2009

The Republic of John Barrowman.

Switch on your television. Go on, do it. I don't mind waiting a minute. Now, who is the first face you see? Assuming you've not tuned into the news (he's not on that just yet), the chances are that the first face you will see if John Barrowman.
How do I describe John Barrowman? Well, as a Scottish person, you'll always be confronted by American people who are convinced they are Scottish. The problem with John Barrowman is that he actually is. He spent the first few years of his life here and as a result he loves showing off his Scottish accent with a wee self satisfied face like a dog that's just smelled his own shit.
My biggest problem with John Barrowman is that he is on everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. There was a Saturday night I watched tv when he was on three programmes on BBC One in a row. This is how it begins. I reckon within the next year we'll see John Barrowman on the News in military fatigues and a beret singing the recession, the War on Terror, and whatever other war we'll be in by then. I suppose it'll be Ruler Barrowman who decides who we're at war with as we'll no longer be called the United Kingdom, but The Republic of John Barrowman.
The only soldiers that will get recruited will be strong, handsome, young, and will have a good singing voice. The last part is essential as wars will no longer be fought on a battlefield, but on the stage. He'll draft in his brigade of strong, handsome, young men and they will sing against countries with of other singing soldier. Andrew Lloyd Webber would be the Minister of Defence, and the whole thing would be broadcast 24 hours a day for the rest of time on John Barrowman One (which is what BBC1 will have to be called) and the three remaining British citizens will watch because the rest of us will have killed ourselves long, long ago.